he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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