please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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