Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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