i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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