Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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