false alarm. still invincible.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize