I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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