Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I intend to get homeless drunk
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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