I accidentally had phone sex last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
