You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
