This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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