How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
