I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
