I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize