why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
