Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
