If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
