I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
