Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
