I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
