my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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