And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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