I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
