i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
