I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I need water and some morals
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
