i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
