Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
