We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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