My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
