i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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