saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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