Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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