Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize