Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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