State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
