tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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