just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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