I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
