So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
