I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
