just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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