youre lurking in front of me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
