I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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