I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize