R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
