He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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