I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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