you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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