my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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