My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
