you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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