there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
