How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
