I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
