mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize