Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
