last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
